And it is always encouraging to view former droopy depressed fat guys puffing out their chests while gripping narrow waistlines and offering beaming smiles for now amorous spouses.
Another half hour long infomercial is of a former beauty queen/model/actress hawking a skin cream guaranteed to erase wrinkles or your money back. One wizened, crease-faced, distraught middle-aged lady after another is suddenly wrinkle free, smiling and chirpy as she expounds on the miracle of the new potion that makes her look like the young lass of yesteryear!
Cosmetic surgery is hot. Sober, upbeat, articulate physicians explain the beauty of transforming a once saggy-cheeked, turkey-necked, flabby-assed, skinny-lipped, pancake-breasted woman into a bulb-lipped, pointy-breasted, hard-assed, sleek-necked doll who grins giddily when describing how her once bored and unhappy beau, or husband, can now “not get enough” of her!
For men, of course, there are multiple hair growing solutions for miserably bald guys who should just get tattoos and shave their heads and be seen straddling Harley Davidson's in leather.
As the night wears on, commercials veer in to Viagra and the like, which increases any man's—but especially an older man's—sexual stamina and proficiency, keeping him hard and banging away for hours and hours and hours! Aging couples are seen romping along gleefully in idyllic settings, like young pups, their sex life revived and similar to the days when they first met and devoured each other on a daylong basis.
Yet these drugs play second fiddle to penis enhancement pills hawked repeatedly by “Ageless Men” testifying that their penises have become enlarged over only a month long period while causing no discomfort or side affects, and it's a damn shame they can't display a shot of a man's penis on TV before and after he's ingested “penis enhancers,” which are guaranteed to enlarge a penis in a designated time frame and improve its performance or your money back!
And, from interviews with women married to these men who have ingested penis enhancers, there's no doubt the product works. Women of all ages, once sadly bogged down in the doldrums of dealing with an under-sized penis, are now cooing and clinging to their once bedraggled husbands as they skip along beaches, linger at bridges overlooking gleaming rivers, or make kissy face while washing dishes together in sweet anticipation of titillating arousal awaiting them in the once dreaded sack. Ahhh, all is resurrected!
Yes, the libido does lag in our declining years, the testicles sag, and, although modern technology has provided frustrated, dissatisfied women with Viagra and penis enlargers for their men, is it enough? Evidently not! Just tune in to the most riveting infomercial of all: two shopworn women, around 35, dressed in dark shapeless attire, who sit apart on a sofa while handling and commenting on a table full of “dongs,” better known as dildos.
A woman might not need an old saggy balled, pot-bellied, scrofulous, neurasthenic wretch once she feasts her eyes on the manner in which the two coldly clinical ladies manipulate these magnificent instruments of erotic pleasure. These dongs are multi-colored, all sizes and shapes. Some possess little bumps, big bumps, barnacle-like growths. Some are operated manually, while others are battery powered. All are guaranteed to stimulate. The pleasant ladies describe their personal favorites. One is very expensive, very large, a battery powered dong that seems to have a life force all its own, seems almost out of control as it undulates, thrusts out and eases back and wags around. The lady holding it and trying somewhat unsuccessfully to control it, admits, “This one is pretty intense and not for the faint-hearted.”
“Some gals can't deal with the excitement it produces,” concurs the other lady, fondling a different version. “You might want to try this one, the triple extra large 350 SL Climastroke with ribbed shaft and oscillating tip, its flared base is ideal for clitoris stimulation.” Oh yeh.
Lady number one, wielding the undulating monster, says, “Still, this particular dong is our most popular.”
I feel, as I lay awake with channel clicker, that the marketed audience for these products are women who have long ago given up on men, preferring to toss the messy, sweaty, loathsome slugs off the bed after partaking in lackluster, lightning quick mercy hops on and off that have been tolerated for decades. With these magical dongs, which range from $75 to $200 but can be purchased online for 25 per cent discounts, pleasure can be endless, can go on and on, and on and on and on, and afterwards a gal can find delicious sleep, her only chore being to wash the dong off come morning, cherishing it with zeal and affection, because it doesn't snore, or fart under the covers, or make excuses about being tired or stressed, doesn't pounce when you're not in the mood, doesn't lay about like an odious lump while you seethe with resentment at the quick mini penis laying like a wet worm beside you. Ugh!
What's more, while the strictured male fantasizes over 20-year-old dollies parading around town in spandex tights and bikinis, and ogles soft porn on the tube on the sly, you can have your dong all to yourself. You can close your eyes and imagine there is an Adonis mounting you with a monster-sized, dynamic penis that knows all your favorite areas of pleasure in a position of YOUR choice. His tool is both forceful and sensitive, gentle and rapacious, affectionate and over-powering, passionate and loving ... All you really lack are hugs and kisses, and who gives a damn when, in America, in due time, almost any substitute for the real thing can be manufactured.