"KELSO'S SWING" [CHAPTER 28]
After an hour of body surfing, the two coaches settled back on Kelso's patio in beach chairs and sipped beers. It was late noon, the sun warm and pleasant, activity flowing along the strand before them, an occasional patron of the bar scene slowing to wave to them. Kelso's cat, in a nearby patch of shade, yawned after a prolonged nap.
“That goddam diva'll wreck the team,” Marstrulavich was telling Kelso. “Beautiful women are always big trouble, especially among other women who have to watch her preening like a goddam goddess and getting all the attention.”
“You're wrong, Stroolo. The woman's not a diva.”
“She's a she-devil, if I've ever seen one.”
“No she isn't. There's a difference between a she-devil and a siren. Kaycee's a siren. She's trainable. She likes to please. She buys drinks for the guys.” He drank from his beer. “Anyway, we need a thirdbaseman. You're the one said we're a player or two from getting over the hump.”
“Everybody on the team's gonna know you recruited her to get in her pants, Kelso.”
“I didn't recruit her to get in her pants.”
“Oh yes you did. Who you think you're talking to, puke? You're really barking up the wrong tree here, and then going off with Bobbi...I'm sure that went over real well,” Marstrulavich sniped sarcastically.
“You're one to talk, making kissy-face with Little orphan Annie in front of the whole goddam team.”
“We weren't making kissy-face. But everybody saw you and Bobbi grabbing each others asses. Besides, nothing happened between me and Annie. You fucked your pitcher and captain, and probably ate her pussy, if I know you, you sick bastard.”
Kelso sighed. “Look, that was a one-shot deal when we were both drunk, and all the girls can do is suspect us of fucking, they have no proof. It'll never happen again. But with you and Annie sniffing around each other like dogs in heat, that's a potential time-bomb jeopardizing the morale of the team. I mean, let's face it, you're the one they trust as a good guy, the one with a moral compass who'd never betray them. They'd be shattered to find out you're almost as big a swine as I am.”
Marstrulavich rose and entered Kelso's bungalow, returned with two beers. “Look, I've made absolutely no advances on Annie.” he petted Rocky, who'd crept over, and the cat swiped at him, just missing. “This damn cat, you've ruined him, just like you've ruined those women, Kelso. All Rocky knows is to attack, because you're always agitating him.”
“There's cats everywhere on the beach, Stroolo, fighting for territory. I want Rocky ready for combat, so he'll survive.” He pinched Rocky's ear, and the cat swiped at him and missed. “Anyway, the reason Annie's making advances on you is because you're too lazy to pursue her. She's used to guys flattering her and begging for her phone number and trying to impress her with a line of shit, and since you're not trying to impress her, because you have nothing to impress her with, she's pursuing you, and you're caving.”
Marstrulavich threw up his hands in a helpless gesture. “What the hell you want me to do?” he cried, almost whining. “Run from her? She buys me beers. She wants to buy me shoes. She's a sweet girl, with morals and values. She's good inside.” He swilled beer, glanced at Kelso, then sighed, looking away. “She wantsa take me out to dinner.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kelso muttered, pulling on his beer. “Does she know you listen to Verdi and Puccini and Coltrane and Artie Shaw?”
Marstrulavich shrugged.
“Does she know you read Steinbeck and Upton Sinclair and Dostoevski and understand there's no God and the system's rigged against the little guy? Does she know you're a hard-core Nihilist and a social reject and hate kids?”
“She doesn't know anything about me,” Marstrulavich admitted.
“Does she know you're a bookie, engaged in a criminal enterprise?”
“I told her I was a book-keeper who worked at home, which is sort of the truth.”
“See, you're already lying, and that means you secretly wanna impress her and you're taking the bait and hook.”
Marstrulavich brooded a few seconds, then stroked Rocky, who purred. “What are YOU gonna do if Kaycee moves in on you? Ignore her? That'll only encourage HER to hit on YOU. Does anybody on the team know you recruited her?”
“Bobbi. I went down to her store. She's fine with Kaycee. She told Jill. They both think the girls are ready to take a big step. In fact, Jill recruited a girl who's on the two-man volleyball tour. Toni Cleotis. Tennis instructor at the countryclub. Stud athlete. Small but dynamic. I'm gonna put her in center, move Becki to right.”
“That means Annie's gonna be on the bench, because you passed her over for a better player.”
“And you're gonna convince her it's for the good of the team. She can replace you as first base coach, so she still feels like part of things.”
Marstrulavich squirmed around, suddenly fretful. “Shit. You're the coach. The coach's supposed to break bad news to his players, not pass the buck to his assistant.”
“I'm manager. I delegate authority. You have to use your untapped power of persuasion to convince Annie coaching first base is just as important as Monica batting clean-up. You can do it. Annie thinks you're sensitive and compassionate. So I'm trusting you to come through for the team, which you are an integral part of, whether you like it or not.”
“Shit.” Marstrulavich drained his beer. “Ever since you took on these women, you been making me do stuff I hate.”
“It's part of the deal of being my best friend, Stroolo. You're my right hand man. You're indispensable. Those girls value your being. Live up to it.”
Marstrulavich rose and went into Kelso's cottage and returned promptly with a chilled bottle of Stoli and two chilled shot glasses culled from the Sunset. Rocky jumped up onto his lap and commenced cleaning himself.
“That goddam diva'll wreck the team,” Marstrulavich was telling Kelso. “Beautiful women are always big trouble, especially among other women who have to watch her preening like a goddam goddess and getting all the attention.”
“You're wrong, Stroolo. The woman's not a diva.”
“She's a she-devil, if I've ever seen one.”
“No she isn't. There's a difference between a she-devil and a siren. Kaycee's a siren. She's trainable. She likes to please. She buys drinks for the guys.” He drank from his beer. “Anyway, we need a thirdbaseman. You're the one said we're a player or two from getting over the hump.”
“Everybody on the team's gonna know you recruited her to get in her pants, Kelso.”
“I didn't recruit her to get in her pants.”
“Oh yes you did. Who you think you're talking to, puke? You're really barking up the wrong tree here, and then going off with Bobbi...I'm sure that went over real well,” Marstrulavich sniped sarcastically.
“You're one to talk, making kissy-face with Little orphan Annie in front of the whole goddam team.”
“We weren't making kissy-face. But everybody saw you and Bobbi grabbing each others asses. Besides, nothing happened between me and Annie. You fucked your pitcher and captain, and probably ate her pussy, if I know you, you sick bastard.”
Kelso sighed. “Look, that was a one-shot deal when we were both drunk, and all the girls can do is suspect us of fucking, they have no proof. It'll never happen again. But with you and Annie sniffing around each other like dogs in heat, that's a potential time-bomb jeopardizing the morale of the team. I mean, let's face it, you're the one they trust as a good guy, the one with a moral compass who'd never betray them. They'd be shattered to find out you're almost as big a swine as I am.”
Marstrulavich rose and entered Kelso's bungalow, returned with two beers. “Look, I've made absolutely no advances on Annie.” he petted Rocky, who'd crept over, and the cat swiped at him, just missing. “This damn cat, you've ruined him, just like you've ruined those women, Kelso. All Rocky knows is to attack, because you're always agitating him.”
“There's cats everywhere on the beach, Stroolo, fighting for territory. I want Rocky ready for combat, so he'll survive.” He pinched Rocky's ear, and the cat swiped at him and missed. “Anyway, the reason Annie's making advances on you is because you're too lazy to pursue her. She's used to guys flattering her and begging for her phone number and trying to impress her with a line of shit, and since you're not trying to impress her, because you have nothing to impress her with, she's pursuing you, and you're caving.”
Marstrulavich threw up his hands in a helpless gesture. “What the hell you want me to do?” he cried, almost whining. “Run from her? She buys me beers. She wants to buy me shoes. She's a sweet girl, with morals and values. She's good inside.” He swilled beer, glanced at Kelso, then sighed, looking away. “She wantsa take me out to dinner.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kelso muttered, pulling on his beer. “Does she know you listen to Verdi and Puccini and Coltrane and Artie Shaw?”
Marstrulavich shrugged.
“Does she know you read Steinbeck and Upton Sinclair and Dostoevski and understand there's no God and the system's rigged against the little guy? Does she know you're a hard-core Nihilist and a social reject and hate kids?”
“She doesn't know anything about me,” Marstrulavich admitted.
“Does she know you're a bookie, engaged in a criminal enterprise?”
“I told her I was a book-keeper who worked at home, which is sort of the truth.”
“See, you're already lying, and that means you secretly wanna impress her and you're taking the bait and hook.”
Marstrulavich brooded a few seconds, then stroked Rocky, who purred. “What are YOU gonna do if Kaycee moves in on you? Ignore her? That'll only encourage HER to hit on YOU. Does anybody on the team know you recruited her?”
“Bobbi. I went down to her store. She's fine with Kaycee. She told Jill. They both think the girls are ready to take a big step. In fact, Jill recruited a girl who's on the two-man volleyball tour. Toni Cleotis. Tennis instructor at the countryclub. Stud athlete. Small but dynamic. I'm gonna put her in center, move Becki to right.”
“That means Annie's gonna be on the bench, because you passed her over for a better player.”
“And you're gonna convince her it's for the good of the team. She can replace you as first base coach, so she still feels like part of things.”
Marstrulavich squirmed around, suddenly fretful. “Shit. You're the coach. The coach's supposed to break bad news to his players, not pass the buck to his assistant.”
“I'm manager. I delegate authority. You have to use your untapped power of persuasion to convince Annie coaching first base is just as important as Monica batting clean-up. You can do it. Annie thinks you're sensitive and compassionate. So I'm trusting you to come through for the team, which you are an integral part of, whether you like it or not.”
“Shit.” Marstrulavich drained his beer. “Ever since you took on these women, you been making me do stuff I hate.”
“It's part of the deal of being my best friend, Stroolo. You're my right hand man. You're indispensable. Those girls value your being. Live up to it.”
Marstrulavich rose and went into Kelso's cottage and returned promptly with a chilled bottle of Stoli and two chilled shot glasses culled from the Sunset. Rocky jumped up onto his lap and commenced cleaning himself.
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