"KELSO'S SWING" [CHAPTER 18]
Bobbi, Jill and Claire held a little powwow on the Tides’ patio after conferring with team members. They were still bruised from Kelso’s undeserving castigation of their play. They sat with beers around a weather-beaten table beneath a tree in the middle of the patio, which had an outdoor bar used only on weekends and holidays. Sometimes bands played out here. The street was separated from the patio by a stucco fence with barred glassless windows preventing drunken male revelers from handing out drinks to bikini clad girls along the sidewalk on summer afternoons as they headed up the avenue toward their cars parked blocks away or stopped at the pizza parlor next door.
Bobbi was trying to explain Kelso’s motives as what Bart described as a ‘baseball mentality’ when Claire cut her off. “Baseball mentality? Shit. What’s that supposed to be?”
“Well, Bart says baseball players are cussers and pick on each other and make fun of each other and always find fault with each other…he even said they make fun of their dicks!”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Jill said. “I can’t see my Jay doing that, and he’s a jock.” She sipped her beer. “Anyway, did we really come up here to talk about dicks?”
Claire said, “Well, since Kelso’s a goddam dick, and he’s our coach, I guess it’s in order to talk about dicks.”
The girls had a chuckle. Bobbi said, “Bart’s got the biggest dick…and I love it. I’m a sexually emancipated woman and I admit I love sucking dick. My Bart, even when he goes to pee in the morning his pee-pee hard-on is at least eight inches…”
“I don’t want to talk about my husband’s dick,” Claire said, with finality. “Besides, it’s not how big their dicks are, it’s how they use ‘em.”
Jill said, “I’m sorry, but I’m Catholic, and I can’t talk this way. Really, I’m embarrassed.”
Bobbi squeezed her hand. “Honey, all they talk about is our titties, or asses, and our pussies. They can’t talk about anything else, unless it’s sports or business, and they never talk about our minds.”
Claire said, “My boy, he’s a goddam tit lover. He’s all about my tits.” She lowered her head in a manner of inviting confidentiality. The girls drew near. Music flowed up from downstairs. She spoke in a harsh whisper. “I have a confession to make: I fucked that goddam Kelso about six years ago, when he worked here and I was drunk and high on hash. I propositioned the prick. I said, ‘let’s go fuck, Kelso, you shit-head.’ So we went to his dump. I think he gave me a mercy fuck. And he never touched my tits, which makes me wonder why he was with Stella Terry, that stewardess, all these years, because she’s all tits and no ass, just like me.” She poured beer into their mugs from a pitcher. She lit up a filter menthol cigarette. “I know he stepped out on her all the time, the sneaky bastard’s a typical beach bachelor, he’ll fuck just about anything he can get his hands on, and I’ll tell yah another thing, he’s got his evil eye on Lacey, cuz he’s always checking out her cute little buns.”
Bobbi grinned, eyes atwinkle. “You can’t blame him—Lacey’s got the best ass on the team, but she’s so shy, and I guess she had this guy Clark, who was a big football hero, but now they’re kaput. He says he’s not ready to get married, according to Beth. And I got a sneaking suspicion Lacey’s got the hots for Kelso.”
Jill almost came out of her chair. “NO! We’ve got to make SURE nothing happens between those two!” she cried. “I mean it! We’ve got to pull out all stops to protect Lacey from that goddam ogre!”
“Beth’d flip her lid,” Claire said, nodding. “She’s Lacey’s best friend, and she hates Kelso more than anybody on this team, even me. She’s still trying to get rid of him, and she doesn’t care how many games we win with him.”
Bobbi giggled, winked at both girls. “We’ll just pass the word that Kelso’s a bum fuck, Claire.”
“I’ll be more than happy to. But I think we should use anonymous sources that we know as positive authorities. I don’t want my boy finding out, because he hates Kelso, too, and he might end up hating me for fucking the asshole.”
“Bart likes him. Bart likes guys he thinks get a lot of pussy. He got a lot of pussy before he met me. He and his pals just love to get together and compare notes, like naughty little boys pulling a job.”
“So,” Jill said with finality. “What we do to counter Kelso’s mean treatment, his filthy mouth, his constant belittling, is talk about what an asshole he is all the time and spread the word he’s lousy in bed. It’ll really lift our morale.”
“Some of the girls don’t actually hate him,” Claire claimed, not happy. “Maria. Lacey. Little Annie. She likes Marstrulavich.”
Bobbi batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. “I think they’d make a cute couple.”
They stood, and Bobbi said, “Well, did we accomplish anything ladies?”
“Hell no,” Claire smirked; then grinned. “But boy, do WE have fun.”
“Bet your monster titties we do. “Bobbi said, and spread her arms in an invitation to hug, and both girls fell into her warm embrace, and she kissed both on the cheeks. They picked up their beers and pitcher and Bobbi led them down the three steps back into the loud smoky bar.
