The auditorium is packed with 15,000 card-carrying born-again Christians in anticipation of the inquisition of the Donald by the no-nonsense super ambitious trophy blond and the notorious hard-ass with unlined face and a vast following on the merciless right-wing cable TV station. The Donald prefers to stand behind a lectern, his famous hair sprayed in a perfect wave as he faces the two affronted cable stars.
No-nonsense Blond: “We and the American people would like to know what you mean by an outrageous statement that you are, and I quote, ‘On good terms with Jesus?’ Are you alluding to actually KNOWING Jesus, or referring to your behavior as exemplary to Jesus?”
Trump, staring hard at the NNB: “Like a lot of people, Jesus confides in me, and I confide in him on certain issues you wouldn’t understand regarding my business pursuits. Look, I confide in a lot of people with a lot of money, and I also confide in a lot of people who don’t have a lot of money who are really smart, maybe smarter than me, even if I did go to the Wharton School of Business, and Jesus is one of those people.”
The NNB presses on, pencil at mouth: “Are you insinuating Jesus is in business, Mr. Trump? I think we all know the Pope would not approve of this, and especially this new Pope.”
Donald steps away from behind the lectern and sweeps his arms out, then shrugs: “Okay, you obviously don’t know Jesus, you’ve never talked to Him, and from what I know of Him, lady, he wouldn’t give you the time of day. Jesus and I are VERY good friends. I like Jesus. He’s a nice guy. Almost too nice a guy, and when he joins me on my plane we always talk of business…”
Hard-ass cuts in: “You mean you don’t talk of spiritual things, Mr. Trump?”
Donald steps back behind the lectern, sort of leans on it as he stares hard at the hard-ass, his mouth momentarily pruning up. “Look, I’m a busy man. And Jesus is a busy man. He’s got a big flock to look after, and I’ve got millions of people depending on me to make big decisions so they can make a lot of money like I have and achieve the American Dream, like I have. Jesus knows I care about the American people and the reason I’m running for president is to help the American people and make this the greatest country in the world again, instead of a third world country it’s become…”
The NNB immediately cuts in: “Do you mean to say that Jesus prefers America over downtrodden third world countries where people don’t have enough to eat and suffer starvation, disease and nonstop deprivation?”
Donald is back out from behind the lectern, fixing the NNB with a murderous scowl: “Jesus LOVES America, and he’s an American, in case you didn’t know .He came to America as an immigrant and we gave him citizenship because he worked hard and didn’t drink or do drugs, just as I don’t, and he played by the rules and is now the most famous religious leader in the world, much, much bigger than Allah…”
The Hard-ass cuts in” “Mr. Trump, I think we’re getting off track here. I believe the question is, does Jesus prefer America over third world countries which obviously need His help more than we do?”
The Donald is quickly out from behind the lectern: “Like China? Like North Korea? Like Iran? Jesus knows we are a country that gives, and gives, while other countries take, and take, and as president of the United States this will stop! We’ve got our own mouths to feed. We need jobs. That’s why I’m running for president, to get more jobs for the American people, and I intend to have Jesus over for dinner, to play golf with him on one of my many golf courses, to put him up in one of my many luxurious suites throughout the United States and the world, and consult in him to make this again the greatest country in the world”
The deafening applause momentarily stalls the inquisition. The camera pans to the sweaty white faces full of beneficent pride and adoration for the Donald. Camera pans back to The Donald as he raises a hand and indicates they calm down. They do as told. The NNB quickly asks: “Senators Cruz and Rubio, and ex senator Santorum, all devoutly religious, and especially ex governor Huckabee, a man of the cloth who also claims to have a relationship with Jesus and talks of his conversations with Him, are extremely irritated with your claim you have the inside track with Him especially, sir, after it’s been carefully researched and accredited that you claim to go to church as much as possible but have reportedly NOT been in church, according to your pastor, in seven and a half months!”
The Donald takes an almost aggressive step toward the NNB: “Jesus knows this. He also knows I think about Him every day and pray for the American people every day I’m not in church. I believe in prayer. I like to pray. My pastor knows this, too. He also knows I contribute thousands, maybe millions to his church, just like I’ve contributed to these little people questioning my relationship with Jesus. They’re just jealous, because they know they’ve never done enough in their lives to deserve or merit having the kind of close, warm relationship I have with Jesus. And that goes for Jeb Bush, too, I might add.”
The Hard-ass: “Since you brought up governor Bush, sir, he too is very peeved that you attacked his brother, ex President George W. Bush, as stupid, as a failure, and as a Christian fraud and NOT a person Jesus would consider a friend under any circumstances.’”
Trump stares at the Hard-ass; then moves back behind the lectern. He stares out at the cameras. “Look, George W. Bush is not a bad man, but he was a terrible, terrible president, and in fact he was a worse businessman, even if they gave him a degree in business from Harvard. Now when George, who I like, who is a nice man, much nicer than his brother Jeb, ran for president, he told everybody he was a born-again Christian and recovering alcoholic. A lot of very important and powerful and wealthy people I’ve talked to, and especially Jesus, rue the day he quick drinking and went to church, and I for one agree. Jesus NEVER believed this bilge that he was born-again, especially after all his drunken carousing and womanizing. I mean, the guy was a mess, a fool. Terrible businessman. Daddy set him up with an oil company, and he blew it, left his stockholders holding the bag, and then his daddy gave him a baseball team and Karl Rove came along and decided to make him a president because he had the name, Bush, and the money—I donated hugely to his campaign because I liked his Dad, who incidentally is a good man, a nice guy, pretty decent president, and a friend of mine--but come on, Jesus had no use for George, not just because he was a drunk and a womanizer, but because he lied to the American people about the Iraq war and got thousands of beautiful young American heroes killed! And he made a mess of Katrina and was responsible for the deaths of so many beautiful under-privileged African Americans! This is a Christian? This is somebody Jesus would spend time with? Not a chance. And believe me, Jesus knows that Jeb, while not a drunk and a womanizer, is also just another guy who would be begging people like me for a seat at my stockholders or a membership at one of my clubs if he didn’t have the Bush name and the money. You look at Jeb, and you know Jesus wouldn’t even consider giving him the time of day, even if he does claim to go to church every Sunday, because Jesus watches TV, folks, and Jeb, a very nice guy, who I like, has absolutely no personality or charisma, and knowing Jesus, He could not bear to have to look at this guy on TV and listen to him for eight years! He told me that. Jesus told me, ‘this guy is a nobody, and he’s out to screw the American people’, and I believe him, because let’s face it, Jesus doesn’t lie.”
The burst of applause from the crowd of 15,000 is deafening, and won’t cease. Camera shot show crazed, wild-eyed faces in the crowd; then pans to the NNB shaking her head sadly while the Hard-ass looks straight down at his notes, and shuffles them. The Donald tries to stifle the applause, but now a chant comes on: “JESUS, JESUS, TRUMP, TRUMP, WE WANT JESUS, WE WANT TRUMP….”
Donald finally comes out from behind the lectern, still unsmiling, but squared away, and manages to quiet down the crowd, though a scattering continue to yell out the two names. Finally there is silence, but when the inquisitors try to continue the interview, Donald puts up his hand like a stop sign; then faces the crowd. “Look, I’ve got to go. My plane is waiting for me. I’ve got a scheduled meeting with Jesus and he’s the one person I don’t like to make wait. All you beautiful people out there, vote for Trump, and I’ll put in a good word for you with Jesus, and he’ll put in a good word for you with his father, God, and we’ll screw anybody who messes with your asses, and we’ll again make this the greatest country in the world!”
The Donald walks off stage to more deafening applause.
No-nonsense Blond: “We and the American people would like to know what you mean by an outrageous statement that you are, and I quote, ‘On good terms with Jesus?’ Are you alluding to actually KNOWING Jesus, or referring to your behavior as exemplary to Jesus?”
Trump, staring hard at the NNB: “Like a lot of people, Jesus confides in me, and I confide in him on certain issues you wouldn’t understand regarding my business pursuits. Look, I confide in a lot of people with a lot of money, and I also confide in a lot of people who don’t have a lot of money who are really smart, maybe smarter than me, even if I did go to the Wharton School of Business, and Jesus is one of those people.”
The NNB presses on, pencil at mouth: “Are you insinuating Jesus is in business, Mr. Trump? I think we all know the Pope would not approve of this, and especially this new Pope.”
Donald steps away from behind the lectern and sweeps his arms out, then shrugs: “Okay, you obviously don’t know Jesus, you’ve never talked to Him, and from what I know of Him, lady, he wouldn’t give you the time of day. Jesus and I are VERY good friends. I like Jesus. He’s a nice guy. Almost too nice a guy, and when he joins me on my plane we always talk of business…”
Hard-ass cuts in: “You mean you don’t talk of spiritual things, Mr. Trump?”
Donald steps back behind the lectern, sort of leans on it as he stares hard at the hard-ass, his mouth momentarily pruning up. “Look, I’m a busy man. And Jesus is a busy man. He’s got a big flock to look after, and I’ve got millions of people depending on me to make big decisions so they can make a lot of money like I have and achieve the American Dream, like I have. Jesus knows I care about the American people and the reason I’m running for president is to help the American people and make this the greatest country in the world again, instead of a third world country it’s become…”
The NNB immediately cuts in: “Do you mean to say that Jesus prefers America over downtrodden third world countries where people don’t have enough to eat and suffer starvation, disease and nonstop deprivation?”
Donald is back out from behind the lectern, fixing the NNB with a murderous scowl: “Jesus LOVES America, and he’s an American, in case you didn’t know .He came to America as an immigrant and we gave him citizenship because he worked hard and didn’t drink or do drugs, just as I don’t, and he played by the rules and is now the most famous religious leader in the world, much, much bigger than Allah…”
The Hard-ass cuts in” “Mr. Trump, I think we’re getting off track here. I believe the question is, does Jesus prefer America over third world countries which obviously need His help more than we do?”
The Donald is quickly out from behind the lectern: “Like China? Like North Korea? Like Iran? Jesus knows we are a country that gives, and gives, while other countries take, and take, and as president of the United States this will stop! We’ve got our own mouths to feed. We need jobs. That’s why I’m running for president, to get more jobs for the American people, and I intend to have Jesus over for dinner, to play golf with him on one of my many golf courses, to put him up in one of my many luxurious suites throughout the United States and the world, and consult in him to make this again the greatest country in the world”
The deafening applause momentarily stalls the inquisition. The camera pans to the sweaty white faces full of beneficent pride and adoration for the Donald. Camera pans back to The Donald as he raises a hand and indicates they calm down. They do as told. The NNB quickly asks: “Senators Cruz and Rubio, and ex senator Santorum, all devoutly religious, and especially ex governor Huckabee, a man of the cloth who also claims to have a relationship with Jesus and talks of his conversations with Him, are extremely irritated with your claim you have the inside track with Him especially, sir, after it’s been carefully researched and accredited that you claim to go to church as much as possible but have reportedly NOT been in church, according to your pastor, in seven and a half months!”
The Donald takes an almost aggressive step toward the NNB: “Jesus knows this. He also knows I think about Him every day and pray for the American people every day I’m not in church. I believe in prayer. I like to pray. My pastor knows this, too. He also knows I contribute thousands, maybe millions to his church, just like I’ve contributed to these little people questioning my relationship with Jesus. They’re just jealous, because they know they’ve never done enough in their lives to deserve or merit having the kind of close, warm relationship I have with Jesus. And that goes for Jeb Bush, too, I might add.”
The Hard-ass: “Since you brought up governor Bush, sir, he too is very peeved that you attacked his brother, ex President George W. Bush, as stupid, as a failure, and as a Christian fraud and NOT a person Jesus would consider a friend under any circumstances.’”
Trump stares at the Hard-ass; then moves back behind the lectern. He stares out at the cameras. “Look, George W. Bush is not a bad man, but he was a terrible, terrible president, and in fact he was a worse businessman, even if they gave him a degree in business from Harvard. Now when George, who I like, who is a nice man, much nicer than his brother Jeb, ran for president, he told everybody he was a born-again Christian and recovering alcoholic. A lot of very important and powerful and wealthy people I’ve talked to, and especially Jesus, rue the day he quick drinking and went to church, and I for one agree. Jesus NEVER believed this bilge that he was born-again, especially after all his drunken carousing and womanizing. I mean, the guy was a mess, a fool. Terrible businessman. Daddy set him up with an oil company, and he blew it, left his stockholders holding the bag, and then his daddy gave him a baseball team and Karl Rove came along and decided to make him a president because he had the name, Bush, and the money—I donated hugely to his campaign because I liked his Dad, who incidentally is a good man, a nice guy, pretty decent president, and a friend of mine--but come on, Jesus had no use for George, not just because he was a drunk and a womanizer, but because he lied to the American people about the Iraq war and got thousands of beautiful young American heroes killed! And he made a mess of Katrina and was responsible for the deaths of so many beautiful under-privileged African Americans! This is a Christian? This is somebody Jesus would spend time with? Not a chance. And believe me, Jesus knows that Jeb, while not a drunk and a womanizer, is also just another guy who would be begging people like me for a seat at my stockholders or a membership at one of my clubs if he didn’t have the Bush name and the money. You look at Jeb, and you know Jesus wouldn’t even consider giving him the time of day, even if he does claim to go to church every Sunday, because Jesus watches TV, folks, and Jeb, a very nice guy, who I like, has absolutely no personality or charisma, and knowing Jesus, He could not bear to have to look at this guy on TV and listen to him for eight years! He told me that. Jesus told me, ‘this guy is a nobody, and he’s out to screw the American people’, and I believe him, because let’s face it, Jesus doesn’t lie.”
The burst of applause from the crowd of 15,000 is deafening, and won’t cease. Camera shot show crazed, wild-eyed faces in the crowd; then pans to the NNB shaking her head sadly while the Hard-ass looks straight down at his notes, and shuffles them. The Donald tries to stifle the applause, but now a chant comes on: “JESUS, JESUS, TRUMP, TRUMP, WE WANT JESUS, WE WANT TRUMP….”
Donald finally comes out from behind the lectern, still unsmiling, but squared away, and manages to quiet down the crowd, though a scattering continue to yell out the two names. Finally there is silence, but when the inquisitors try to continue the interview, Donald puts up his hand like a stop sign; then faces the crowd. “Look, I’ve got to go. My plane is waiting for me. I’ve got a scheduled meeting with Jesus and he’s the one person I don’t like to make wait. All you beautiful people out there, vote for Trump, and I’ll put in a good word for you with Jesus, and he’ll put in a good word for you with his father, God, and we’ll screw anybody who messes with your asses, and we’ll again make this the greatest country in the world!”
The Donald walks off stage to more deafening applause.
RSS Feed
